Francesca's Folly
updates from LJ over into the New Year
2007-01-03 - 4:49 p.m.
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|02:49 pm]
It is all about the choosing. You can choose to be positive... even if it doesn't feel real at first. You can choose to be happy. You can choose how you want to spend your life. Saying it sounds ... well, hokie... until you make the choice. :-) Your choice. It's powerful.
I had this reaction to isenglass and I just had to write it to myself as well. Positive reinforcement. Just remembering this, way down deep inside of me ... works. If I can make the choice to be happy once, I can do it daily. The happy comes from inside me. What a very nifty thing to discover! Right now, I'm happy. What a rush!
I have friends who care about me. I have family who care about me. I have the most awesome dog ever (and every other dog owner disagrees with me... heh) I'm employed, have a nice home and am healthy. Wow. Lucky girl.
And if that's not enough... well, I look damned good, too. :-) OK, so maybe I'm getting a too swelled head... or maybe if I tell myself that enough, it'll sink in like being happy has. :-) One can only hope. It took me only over 40 years for the happy choice to be real... let's hope this other doesn't take as long... or I decide ancient and wrinkled is beautiful. Heh. Then again... why couldn't it be?
Why is it that guys seem to do this so much better than girls... this thinking they're beautiful... is it all hype? Certainly a significant portion of the male population has told me that they are gorgeous. Generally makes me smile. Does all the crap our media spews program us for this inevitability? Whatever it is... perhaps a little bravado on this subject is what's attractive... i.e., happy, self confident.
So, I got the allergy meds sorted out... they're making new as non-refrigeration for 9 days at the post office despite my alerting them to my absence of last week means the other stuff's trash. Wasteful, but they were really cool and fast about fixing this. AND they'll just walk it over from where they make it to my Jennifer (nurse who injects me, weekly now as opposed to twice a week... yay, me) as they are in the same building (for heaven's sake) and not risk more mail fiasco's. Logic prevailed. Love it when that happens.
I really should eat some lunch... Keep forgetting and I'm not that hungry, but lifting requires some fuel.
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln
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[Jan. 3rd, 2007|11:59 am]
Nice dinner with Buckston friends last night in lieu of a meeting. Really nice to see Alejandro, Charlotte, Natalie, Ysolt, Nikulai, Adam, Eric and his lady who play's Go, and even a visiting fellow from Northshield after being away for what seemed a lot longer than a week and a half. Very cool to see the pictures of Nikulai's soon to be house. N&A were all excited and nervous about it which was much fun. Congratulations, guys! I hadn't been planning on dinner out, but... well, I just felt like I needed to see Ysolt who had a rough holiday season. :-( I'd meant to get to bed early last night, but thoughts were churning and I ended up having two long conversation with an old friend instead which was nice. Thanks.
I woke up this morning with a dull headache...I'm attributing to dehydration plus salty Mexican food last night ... more water intake is called for today.... so while I woke up really early, motivation was slow. I did get a yoga tape in before coming to work. And my gym bag is all ready for me at the end of the day for lifting and the gym's back open regular hours. Woot!
Oh, and the really good news is that over all of the eating and drinking for the holidays... I'm only up 0.2 lbs... which very well could be the difference between weighing in last night (heavier in the evening) and weighing in in the morning (which is my normal time). Sweet! Exercise... even just a video each day WORKS. :-) Sounds really silly to state the obvious... but sometimes... if that's all I can manage... it helps to know even 30 minutes a day can save me.
Not so good thing.... the post office delivered my new allergy serum last night (the serum makers insist that it has to be mailed to me at home; I had my mail held while I was away) and it was, despite my having said I would not be home between Christmas and New Years, post marked 12/21/06... so I am now trying to figure out what to do, if it is still any good... as it didn't get into a frig until last night when I got home.... 9 days later. Frustrating.
Ah well, it will get sorted out.
I'd best get on with the contracts.... or maybe it's time for lunch... heh :-
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A New Year [Jan. 2nd, 2007|11:41 am]
I don't have any new New Year's Resolutions. Perhaps I should... I do have things I want to accomplish... but ... I've been working on them already. My plan is to continue... to persevere... to never give up. This last one.... is really hard. Things that take a long time... like years... hard for me to stay focused on them.
The holidays played havoc on my diet. I ate all sorts of stuff that while yummy didn't make me feel particularly good or further my healthier, slimmer me project. Amazing how not being in my own home makes my goals harder to reach. Out of control. Wanting to just get along. Not cause waves. I picked on thing... exercise, and focused on that. I got in a video/DVD every full day I was down in Richland. I met the goal, so I'm not beating myself up. I've missed the weights and I've missed the clean inner feeling eating the right foods, low fat/high fiber, make me feel. Fats and processed carbs are addictive but if I've lived without them most of the fall... I know it's doable to live without them. So I had grits and an egg with skim milk to drink for breakfast after Leslie Sansonne's 3 mile walk video this morning. Go me!
Oh, and the alcohol intake over the vacation was WAY up there. Massive useless calories. That's going to stop, too. Less poison means my body can work on what it needs to be working on to get me more in shape and less ... voluminous. I'm not noticing clothes being tighter... it's only been a little over a week... but... I just KNOW I've got some setback pounds to deal with. :-(
No beating myself up.
Hmmm, I don't remember what I posted about being down in Georgia. I had a good time at the party my Mom threw on the 29th... fireworks were great. I got to see the Louvre exhibit at the High Museum in Atlanta... which was OK. That museum just leaves me cold for the most part. They need a decorator to help with the empty, warmth-less space better. The drawings and paintings were predictably good, but the self guided tour... was a bit hokie. The Nutcracker was pretty good Saturday evening. The drive home on Sunday was ... long. It was raining hard when I left Atlanta which was fairly stressful, and it didn't really stop raining until about Greensboro. Sigh.
Dagonet and Gwenneth's party was a good time. Really good that Dan drove me (thank you) as I would not have been able to force myself back in a vehicle otherwise. Good to see D&G, Fin and Shelly, Rags and Manya (dreadful I still just don't think of her as Anneka as yet, but I liked her as Manya first), Val and Ariel. Met a bunch of other folks as well, but New Years tends to be about reflection, so the people I already knew stand out more in my memory.
Yesterday was about being a couch potato. Watched 3 movies and ate 2 meals and went back to bed. Still tired today, but not as much so as if I'd been driving back yesterday.
Work is quiet today... I'm sorting through what needs to get done and will crunch into it all with as much vigor as I can muster. I hope everyone had a good holiday and that 2007 will be good to us all.
Love.
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[Dec. 30th, 2006|12:46 am]
It's way late and though today started ... not so well.... I am not a morning person and, well, I don't enjoy being passive agressived... the party tonight my mom threw was great. I have cool family members; I found a great weight lifting friend to geek with and we blew stuff up. Oh and the G&T's were yummy as was all the food.
I LOVE FIREWORKS! And these were great fun... lots of them and I wish I could do this on every holiday. Sigh. Blowing stuff up that's loud and colorful, high and sparkly... sigh... it's awesome. Wonder if I'll get to see any on NYE. Hope so.
Tired. Driving to Atlanta tomorrow. Plans may include the High Museum and the stuff from the Louvre. Hope so, but it means getting on the road relatively early so we can be done in time to change for dinner with family and Nutcracker at 7:30.
But now.... now I need SLEEP! :-)
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[Dec. 28th, 2006|11:14 pm]
I'm really tired and I should just go to bed... but then should doesn't always happen in my world. My day was filled with family. Some shopping. Saw the Ansel Adams exhibit in Columbus (which was truly awe inspiring... took my breath away) and met the Pattersons... all 12 of them at their party at their multi-acre place just north of here... 3 G&T's assured me of being chatty... much fun. They'll all be coming here tomorrow night for dinner and fireworks.... New Year's Eve early as I'll be back in NC for Sunday. Tomorrow will be a lot of getting ready for a party. Hoping Mom isn't too stressed out... used to be a day when I wanted to disappear from home... when Mom was having a party... too stressed. But blowing stuff up in pretty colors is always much fun. Looking forward to that.
Oh, and Emerson chewed his way out of his canvas kennel while we were at the Pattersons'. Sigh. guess the metal one will have to travel again.
OK, that's about all the energy I have left. We came back and did a 5 mile walk video after the party, so I'm pooped out but still meeting my exercise goal for this vacation. Go Me!
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Cow Dog [Dec. 27th, 2006|12:18 am]
I just want everyone to know that Emerson is ferocious... when it comes to cows in the yard... he chased these massive if docile beasts all over the yard and into the back woods... right on their hooves with both Helen and myself screaming and trying desperately not to double over laughing. E-dog had been telling us with Scottie grumbles that something was amiss in the yard for a hour or so... we were watching Little Miss Sunshine... a bizarre movie, btw... and I'd actually commented that the mooing sounded like it was coming from the front porch... the comment was completely dismissed by the rest of my family... and then... well... hooves on concrete pathway were heard and ... Emerson got his shot.... he's been checking all night long to see if they've come back. They haven't so Billy must have remembered to turn the electric fence on this time. Heh.
For me, who's keeping track... I did get to my exercise video... the advanced WW one with 8 lb weights this afternoon, so I'm still 1 a day and on track. Sweet! (Dude!)
I also started a pair of naal bound mittens tonight... so my hands should be toasty at Ymir. And I'll be on track for adding something new to the Viking outfit again this year. Go me!!
Oh, and we went shopping and I have 2 new pairs of jeans that fit correctly... which means more clothes purging when I get home.
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I just want everyone to know that Emerson is ferocious... when it comes to cows in the yard... he chased these massive if docile beasts all over the yard and into the back woods... right on their hooves with both Helen and myself screaming and trying desperately not to double over laughing. E-dog had been telling us with Scottie grumbles that something was amiss in the yard for a hour or so... we were watching Little Miss Sunshine... a bizarre movie, btw... and I'd actually commented that the mooing sounded like it was coming from the front porch... the comment was completely dismissed by the rest of my family... and then... well... hooves on concrete pathway were heard and ... Emerson got his shot.... he's been checking all night long to see if they've come back. They haven't so Billy must have remembered to turn the electric fence on this time. Heh.
For me, who's keeping track... I did get to my exercise video... the advanced WW one with 8 lb weights this afternoon, so I'm still 1 a day and on track. Sweet! (Dude!)
I also started a pair of naal bound mittens tonight... so my hands should be toasty at Ymir. And I'll be on track for adding something new to the Viking outfit again this year. Go me!!
Oh, and we went shopping and I have 2 new pairs of jeans that fit correctly... which means more clothes purging when I get home.
A really good day.
:-)
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[Dec. 26th, 2006|11:15 am]
I am in Richland, Georgia and having a fabulous time with my family. Perhaps a bit too good on the food side of it. But so far I'm 2 for 2 in terms of days here and days I've managed to get my exercise in, so GO ME! Especially as that's Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. OK, perhaps I need to stop the straining to pat myself on the back... don't want to damage my arm from the effort. :-)
Typing on a laptop is taking some adjustment. The keys aren't exactly in the same spot, but it seems to be coming a bit easier. I've checked my e-mail and now have even bopped into live journal to see which other insane people are here the day after Christmas. I think I may be addicted to this. Hmmmmmm....
So, the drive down was LONG, but apart from 2 long sessions of stop and go traffic, very uneventful.... no rain either. A huge blessing, that was. Emerson was a perfect dog the whole way. Didn't even really fight me on the get back in the car thing on our infrequent stops. Wow. Another blessing. I actually made it to the house here before my folks got back from picking Helen up at the shuttle in Columbus. I've never arrived at this house before and been the only person here. A little weird, but since it lasted not as long as it took Emerson to get out and find a good spot to become an empty dog and have a good sniff around... it was kinda cool. We were standing under the light in front of the smoke house when the rest of my immediate family drove up. Very cool indeed.
Christmas Eve involved a trip to Walmart for picture development and the inevitable things one forgets to get and has to dash out for last minute... plus the other fun stuff that comes from shopping with my sister... who is a pro at shopping. :-) Dad was a trooper (he loathes shopping) and a good time was had by all. Burger King in Americus did not have the Avatar kids meal toys :-(, Avatar being Helen's kids' current mania, but we did get some of the toys for me to give them for Christmas at Wallyworld. The drive back to Prothro Plantation was still all smiles and as many Christmas carols as we could sing and remember (no, we could not get through them all in the 25 minutes we were in the car) the whole way home. Love singing with my family, especially Christmas carols. We didn't have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve for the first time I can remember, but had a nice quiet meal in the kitchen (newly painted and cabinetted) before heading to my cousin Kitty's for home made eggnog and caroling, catching up with extended family and friends. It was glorious, if a bit ... drunken... as they'd decided to forego nutmeg and added more bourbon. It was delicious and really... no hardship. I even got to have the beginnings of a talk about weight lifting with a friend and hope to continue that conversation with Sam on Friday... when it seems my family is continuing the traditional Bradburn Christmas party, only not in New Orleans, but up here and it will involve fireworks. Yipee! LOVE fireworks.
Yesterday was a slow starter... up by 10, long breakfast involving eggs, sausage, coffee cake, coffee, juice, grapefruit with a cherry in the middle (Christmas tradition of long standing), and then presents and it all wound up in a rush at 12:30 when we realized the Moxley's were arriving in 30 minutes, the meal wasn't started and we were all in PJ's. Hee hee hee. That was fun, too.
Beef for Christmas dinner with fabulous mashed potatoes, totally new for us... to not have turkey and rice... but we may never have the big bird for Christmas again... the beef was gloriously yummy, much easier and on the whole distinguished itself from Thanksgiving very nicely.
The only downside was the jerk Helen's unfortunately still married to didn't have the kids call her on Christmas, but we talked her into calling them so she at least got to say Merry Christmas. Some people, my can't be ex soon enough brother in law included, just aren't worth the air they breath.
Oh, and my folks gave me a 30 gig Ipod so I'm going to be very music-ed in the gym for 2007... I'm VERY excited about this. Woot! Thinking I'll have to go ahead and get the high speed internet at home now. I've been putting off being included in the internet except for the occasional dial up since I moved... but really... I need to get on with it. Sigh.
Well, I hear kitchen noises happening again and I need to get my exercise for the day underway. I hope everyone had as glorious a day as I did and that 2007 brings joy and laughter to all those I hold in my heart.
Much love.
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[Dec. 22nd, 2006|02:18 pm]
So, it's just after 2 and I'm the only one in my office. Time to figure what's essential, do it and bail.
Happy Holiday's, all.
Hugs all around.
NOT staying late tonight.
Sweet!
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[Dec. 21st, 2006|10:53 am]
:-) This is me laughing at myself. :-)
I've come into work having left my computer downloading mail... completely forgot I'd left it up and running, so... if you're e-mailing me today... I probably won't be getting it until I get home, that is unless it decides to disconnect itself, which is altogether possible, but because it would be helpful... won't happen. :-) Ooops. Too many things to remember before the holidays.
So, I had a nice dinner with Scott last night and we exchanged Christmas presents and it made me a bit sad when he left... to go to my family just me... to drive that 8+hours with just Emerson and music as company... to sleep in that big bed by myself... to be the single, childless daughter which elicits pity this time of year. Hate that. There are so many little things and some really big ones that are wonderful about being married and around the holidays... I miss them ferociously. The "why's" tend to pop up in my head and make me maudlin. Why couldn't that work out? Why couldn't I live with this or that, and why couldn't he have been able to do thus and so... kind of like the shoulds... the can really drag a person down.
I weighed in this week and predictably, because I've not be vigorous in doing what I know is good for me... I'm up 2 or so lbs. Poo. Makes me remember to take some core stuff along with me to south Georgia, to limit what's off Core and to focus, focus, focus on getting more exercise. Hard to do when working late and stressed out. But it IS doable. Dammit. Oh, but got the first 2 weeks of the new material for WW, so have some reading to do. Yay. Good to go over it all again to put me back on track.
Well, 2 days left at work before a week off. Boss is here today, gone tomorrow and out the week I come back... can you say hectic? Yep, thought you could.
Better get to it!
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[Dec. 20th, 2006|12:44 pm]
A better day today.... well, only because I remembered to choose a better attitude. :-) Makes all the difference in the world. Work's still high on stress, but I've remembered to smile before getting out of bed, to do one thing at a time and to work steadily.
It was good to see folks at Buckston last night. Dinner afterward was ... less than stellar in every aspect other than the people with whom I was attempting to dine ... who were splendid. I loathe when speaking to the manager seems needed. Sigh.
So allergy medications both daily and in the shot weekly form are ordered. Check. I'm still trying to figure out when I can plant the fig tree (Yay!) I was gifted with last night can happen. Christmas presents still need wrapping. Packing needs to happen. I really need to make a list. Heh.
But first... it's back to the mass of paper in front of me.
Hugs to all of you who tried to remind me to choose happy last night. It worked, only a bit delayed. :-)
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Twas the week before Christmas and all through the job... [Dec. 19th, 2006|06:46 pm]
Not a sponsor is quiet, not a CRO relaxed.
Dear god I'm still at work. My four days in the office this week promise to be frustrating and anxiety ridden. I find myself wishing them away. So many people want everything done by the end of the year and I'm out next week. The word for trying to please them all... impossible. Wishing time away is one of those things that just rubs me the wrong way. There is only so much time given to each of us... and wishing it away, smacks of having done something wrong. A poor choice somewhere.
Ah well.
I had a lovely weekend of contra dancing, eating out, Southern Culture on the Skids, Sunday nap and movie watching followed by a Monday of Lace Lady Christmas Luncheon (my favorite Christmas tradition and a blast as always), lifting and dinner with a friend I haven't seen in far too long. I even braved a mall and shockingly ... it wasn't really very crowded. Weird.
OK, but what was that about S.C.O.T.S.? :-) Well, they are a good band with some amusing antics, including giving away strange clothes, throwing fried chicken and singing about banana pudding. Very dancable. So much so, that somehow this little group of friends managed to get me dancing on stage with the band along with a bunch of other people. AND it was all fun. Well, the second of the 2 warm up bands was dreadful, but the rest of the music was enjoyable. Yes, I'd go see them again. :-) And the whole banana pudding song made me miss Caroline terribly as she makes the best BP of anybody I know. Sigh. Oh, and I did manage to catch one of the things being flung from the stage... a CD of the Evil Bitches. :-) Who's going to tell me that's fitting? :-) Heh.
Anyway, I think I'm going to pack it in and head to Buckston's meeting and try to unwind some before tomorrow arrives really early and I have to do this frantic work thing all over again. If that doesn't work I'll have to find something else to get me to relax.
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There is no flow to this stream of thought and I'm not trying to make one happen [Dec. 15th, 2006|01:28 pm]
I am feeling somber and introspective today. Cramps can do that to some extent... limit my focus by the pain, and remind me of what is important in my life. Add to this is that the holidays tend to remind me of what is missing more than of any sort of rebirth... a time when one is supposed to be happy and bustling, that generally reminds me of how lonely I am. I lose some of the positive around this time of year... and I need to work on overcoming this stumbling block.
At the end of the year, it is traditional to look back on the year and evaluate. As a whole, have you lived the life you believe you should? Most years, and this is no exception, the answer is mixed. In a good year, the balance is towards the good.
Early in the year I learned a lot about me in the time around Geva's death. I identified strongly with a woman about my own age facing death on her own, which she did with dignity. I lapsed into self destructive behavior in the beginning of recovery from that pain. I've learned more resilience in the process. I came to focus on building myself back up. Working on things that made my world better. I have made some very good positive steps towards a better me. And now the struggle will be to not undermine myself as it all goes well. To remain vigilant in my efforts. This is the time I tend to lose focus. I will not this time. I want it more. I want to be a better person. It involves looking inside and finding even more strength. This week has not been on task. Too little sleep means diet and exercise suffer. When all three of these suffer, danger of relapse is real. I will not. I want this more than anything else in my life right now. It will be my first priority. It is a standard I intend to live my life by for the rest of my life. And I needed to remind myself of it today.
What is personal honor? It means living by what you believe in. By a code. Rarely does the code change. Honor is the strength to live by your beliefs. And sometimes it is the even greater strength to step back on your own path when it is not easily done... it can be, in fact, painful to do so, to admit mistakes and to stand up and shoulder the blame of misdeeds. To look your peers in the eye and accept whatever is returned. Those who are your true friends have the ability to recognize the strength and forgive the weakness which is in all of us. Accepting responsibility for one's own actions... not casting about for excuses... takes strength. Honesty also takes strength and is not always appreciated. I will have both of these in my life.
I am a strong person. I can do it all on my own. I don't necessarily want to do it all on my own, but at this point... it is my only option. This does not mean friends don't help... because they definitely do, but mostly ... I am on my own. If and until I find someone with whom I can share my life and perhaps even afterward... I will need all my strength. It is so wonderful, however, when occasionally I can not be so bloody strong.
Well, I do believe that is enough of that. I need to spend more time NOT in my head. ;-)
I wanted everyone who's sent a Christmas card to me this year to know how very much they mean to me. They help to draw me out of the sad the season inspires. I have them all out in the middle of my living room and go through them all every night. What a sap I am! I like the colors the words, the sizes... the pictures of the kids... they are wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to remember me. Much love in your direction.
So, my weekend... I think I'm going to force my hurting body to go dancing tonight... my spirit needs it. I've got to face Christmas shopping tomorrow so that wrapping can happen Sunday. I like the wrapping more than I like the shopping, which means I've just got it all backwards. ;-) Saturday night I'm thinking dinner with friends and if there is any energy left from battling the shopping thing, I will see if having fried chicken thrown at me is fun... I can't imagine it is, but since I've never done it... perhaps I'm just being an old fuddy duddy and need to experience it to really know. :-)! I've got Monday off for the Lace Ladies' Christmas Luncheon, which is one of my very most favorite traditions of the season. Alice, sort of the rock of our group, can't come this year as her husband is battling an infection... he's lived a year beyond what the doctors thought he'd have, so this is very sad. Monday evening I get to have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in years, so with the gym in between those two events, Monday will be a busy day for me. Yay! In all of this.. there will be more sleep than I got trying to do so many different things this week. There has to be.
Oh, that reminds me... I haven't talked about the concert last night which was.... an experience. The Transsiberian Orchestra is... well, a cliche of every rock concert you ever imagined (fire, fireworks, raising platforms, trite expressions, clean but black clothing, etc.) with Christmas stories, traditional songs, Clapton, Mozart, Beethoven, Orf and everything else in between thrown in. At first I was mostly silent because sitting listening to loud electric guitars in a crowd dressed in Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes (buttoned downs in pastel colors, hairspray, Christmas sweaters on middle aged women, shiny belts and shoes that matched) was just a bit mind blowing... and then the vocalists were ... um... technically fine, but artistically nowhere (read my mind was screaming... fire these suckers and find someone with talent beyond being able to hold a tune)... and then folks started leaving so there was elbow room, and elbow room lead to ... well, snarking and then... much laughter. That's when it got fun. It was so bad for most of it that well... laughter saved it. Mind you, there was the occasional good song, and I loved the light show, but... I will also never go see them again. I wouldn't have missed seeing it with Scott for anything.
Hugs.